Paparazzi
Picture this...
I've gone through life being a bit of a misfit in almost everything I have ever done, from a child to a man this has been a constant in my life that I have grown to accept. The latest of my my missteps involve love and the complexities that surround relationships. What does one do after following all the proper road signs and still end up in a place that was not the intended destination? My assumption now belongs to the idea that sometimes there are no signs to follow, and the act of traveling doesn't always mean progress.
She made a remark in jest about me being insane but little did she know it speaks volumes about how i operate on numerous levels. I have been where I am before, dulled tapestry void of all the variants that make love exciting, I hate being here, but I always paint myself in this corner called the gray area. I'm doing it again, and I'm expecting a different result, I have done this once before and more precisely, with her.
How can I lose a love I never had?
She's such a great person, she means more to me than she will ever understand. Thoughts of her include side effects of lack of productivity, smiles, (shhh dont tell nobody but heart flutters and butterflies) urges to call her, and or stalk her facebook and or myspace page. As we struggle to define this thing that we have, I find my self on the losing side of what will ultimately become history. Our strongest connection resides in the area of understanding, even though neither of us fully understands each other, we do understand "us" to a degree of keeping things functional.
It tickles me to make her laugh, because her laugh is one in the same as her daughters' and her daughters laugh reminds her of her own heavily sought after happiness, and that it is worth it to keep searching because there is nothing on earth like it.
I love her.
I'
m afraid of love, shes afraid of being hurt, this is not a good combo and it has initiated a cycle of confusion. She recently revealed to me that she slept with someone else, maybe I shouldnt use the word "else" because well...we have never slept with each other. So im running through a check list of emotions to pick the proper way I should feel about this. I do know with 100% certainty that I can't Kanye shrug this one as much as i wish i could. Shes not my girlfriend, but she's told me she loves me, we have never been sexually intimate with each other, but we fooled around...sorta, and most importantly we aren't in a relationship....? hmmm
m afraid of love, shes afraid of being hurt, this is not a good combo and it has initiated a cycle of confusion. She recently revealed to me that she slept with someone else, maybe I shouldnt use the word "else" because well...we have never slept with each other. So im running through a check list of emotions to pick the proper way I should feel about this. I do know with 100% certainty that I can't Kanye shrug this one as much as i wish i could. Shes not my girlfriend, but she's told me she loves me, we have never been sexually intimate with each other, but we fooled around...sorta, and most importantly we aren't in a relationship....? hmmm
This is where my stupid ass heart comes in, the part that I hate! The dynamic has changed, because this isnt the first time I made a heart offering to her, this isnt the first time I've sat in this corner with her, this isn't the first time I've set my trembling hands to turn the page, and sadly but obviously this isn't the first time that i have allowed all these things to happen.
This is a woman who has run rampant in my mind with thoughts of a future, those pictures are fading. As a man It's becoming mission impossible to maintain those ideas and that want, knowing that to some other guy she's simply good sex. Or maybe their relationship is deeper than that, which is all the more reason for me to fall back. I've been in the midst of conversations that go "hey look at him trying to wife her, I just hit that..." its a man thing, something that i dont think women can understand, but that shit does massive damage.
Truthfully and honestly she has done nothing wrong, she is an adult, she is single, she has needs. Our hang up is distance, i have never believed in long distance relationships for this very reason, im not angry with her, and i don't think I'm hurt...this is exactly why i stayed reluctant to drop the L bomb in return, because once i acknowledge it, there is no turning back and distance or not, i would be 1000% devastated. Her honesty lets me know that she does care, and its a wonderful feeling to know that she wouldn't play me like that.
I don't know whats next for us, if anything at all, I know that im not afraid to admit that I love her anymore, but i think that's indicative of me not having a good grip on this, and the only thing to do when you don't have a good grip is to let go, im just not sure if i should try my hands at this handle again....what was that word again...oh yea, insane.
*side note, the definition of insanity has nothing to do with the doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, but for that really famous mistaken quote it fits my blog topic and it makes sense to me as it relates to my love life, so i used it...and upon thinking about it, it contradicts the notions of experimentation and practice, both of which are really important to me as a piano player.