I've been watching you watch me for a while now. Please, please stay off my facebook, blog and out of my personal life....thank you. I mean no harm just respect my wishes please.

i didn't say anything to you because i just wanted to keep the peace but that shit you pulled this morning was too much. I don't love you, i cant, don't be mad at me be mad at nature.

now at this point id like to get back to blogging about regular stuff and not all this relationship bullshit.

Now that you know I know what you thought i didn't, just imagine what else i know that i never said to you. Good day... and God Speed

Credits: Sibling/Liam

I'm not here to tell you what you should do, I know you well enough to know that when your mind is made its made until you decide to change it. I know you care about her deeply, and that lets me know that she cares for you in a similar capacity. You are a lot of things big brother but an idiot is not one of them. I think its amazing that I have a brother that is brave enough to want to step into another woman's life and try to help shape a future she set, to take on her goals and accept her children as his own. Its a task many flee from but you are willing to fight for a chance to be a part of her life. For all that you have tried to do to win her over, and for as long as you have passively and aggressively pursued her, it clearly shows you aren't afraid of tough times, or commitment.

If you take a bit of time to think about what you have done, i think it will give you the courage to travel down either path as your next step. I think you have done a great job at proving what you are capable of with her and I'm sure she knows this, which would most likely explain why the two of you stay tangled in each others web even after long bouts of silence. You are prepared to do both, step closer or step away, there is no right or wrong here, especially since you have already established the fact that you are willing to continue to travel towards her even if the relationship is a failure.

From my perspective as a woman first and sister second, I think that you have done all that you can possibly do, if she is still trying to find her self or sort some things out then maybe you need to just let it be. There are women out there with situations similar to hers who would try just as hard as you to find a way to make the relationship work. They would be fighting tooth and nail to keep you. All women are different, and handle things in a multitude of ways so by no means take what I'm saying as concrete, I haven't spoken a single word to this woman so I don't know whats going through her mind or what the hold up is, but she has to know you are a good man and if she is as smart as you say, and if she really wants you, you two will be.

If what you have to offer isn't good enough for her, then there isn't anything you can do about that, but do your self a favor and realize the long line of ladies you have been shaking off to keep her as your target, there is no telling what you are missing out on for someone who has been in an awkward corner of your life for some time now. It shouldn't be this complicated, the guess work should be over by now with the amount of time you two have been going back and forth I don't know what is left to consider. You know more about whats going on with you two than anyone else, so don't worry about people talking, that is what people do. Most of the opinions come from good intentions so don't take them too personally, you have done a good job thus far of keeping your private life private, you taught me its best to keep things that way, so my advice to you is to zip it. This much I promise you, if you two go your separate ways she is the one that will have to deal with the regret of the one that got away.

she makes a lot of valid points and in order to keep from upsetting me she stayed as neutral as possible, nice. I love her.

at this point I'm feeling a bit numb about the situation, this seems to be a cycle i go through with her every year...lol here i am for the 3rd time. i sent her an email last night nothing too heavy, just letting her know where i stand. I've had a few urges to call her, but i keep in mind that lately if i don't call or text, we probably wont talk and since shes hasn't been very communicative lately its been a little easier to reciprocate. should things continue to spiral out of control, operation detox will be under way but for now, i'm just going to lay low and continue to deal with the other shenanigans going on in my life.

Credits: Nevra/Liam

so let me get this straight, you're falling for a woman who lives out of town, and lives with the father of her first child, and she just recently gave birth to a child that doesn't belong to the man shes already living with

yes

i mean no disrespect but you're an idiot. seriously you are being played and as smart as you are, i don't see how you cant see that you are going to end up hurt when you finally realize whats right in your face or when she all of a sudden calls you one day to have a "talk".

i know it sounds crazy from the outside looking in, and this is exactly why i didn't want to bring up all the details because i know how bad it sounds, but i thought i could trust you enough not to judge the way that you are, you don't know her and you're sort of bashing her, which is making me a little upset.

yea, you are crazy. I'm your friend I'm going to tell you what i think, not what you want to hear. I hope for the sake of your big heart that I'm wrong, but i seriously doubt that i am. you are hands down the smartest man i know, but a complete idiot when it comes to love and relationships. sounds to me like you are in love with an idea. this is the same girl that played you in the past, while you were busy spilling your guts out to her she stayed in the arms of other guys and told you that the distance wouldn't allow you two to have a real relationship, now somehow you believe that's changed?

i should have never said anything to you because now you are starting to piss me off

piss you off? you can be mad at me all you want, you are the one who use to tell me the only time the truth hurts is when you are living a lie, and its time for you to take a double dose of your own words. if anything you are a matter of convenience to her, she may feel some type of way about herself because she has two kids, and whatever else her situation is, but the second a local version of you pops up shes going to put you to the side... again.

you're wrong. you aren't exactly the best at relationship choices either. the woman you are with now pulled a gun on you , and is physically abusive, do i need to go down a check list of the super crazy shit you have done to be with this woman that makes you happy?

you can bring all that up if you want, it still wont change the truth that you refuse to see. do you honestly believe that there is nothing going on between her and the man that lives with her? what about the father of the child she just had? you only know what she tells you, you believe what you choose to. it all sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and i don't see how you cant see that you don't fit anywhere in that puzzle.

i have no way of proving anything, you're right, all i really can do is take her word for it. i know her, whatever it is that we are doing right now doesn't have to make sense to you or anyone else. i respect your opinion on the matter but its one that is based on a lopsided view. I've known her for years, she isn't perfect, she has her demons and flaws but you know what? shes never hid any of that from me, shes always been open and honest even if that means that its going to hurt me. its way too easy to say what you would do in a situation that you aren't in and that's why not once did i judge you for your actions when you were sitting in the mental health hospital for trying to kill yourself over that girl . you don't have to agree with how I'm handling this situation, i really don't care how you feel about it because i cant live my life to please your views. if all of this is one huge mistake, I'm willing to accept that but for now it feels right to me.

i just want you to be happy. you are a good guy and you spend a lot of time trying to find happiness in the wrong places. i just don't think this situation is good for you. i thought she sealed her fate with you when she got pregnant, after you two had that huge falling out. I'm not questioning your love for her, i just don't want to see your face when you find out she doesn't feel the same. we both know that she says she loves you, the only difference is you believe her, i don't.

since my relationship with her isn't about what you believe, i don't think its possible for me to care any less than what i do right now about what you think.

you cared what i thought before you knew my opinion would be what it is. do me a favor ask her if shes your girlfriend, i promise she'll say no.

shes not my girlfriend so of course shes going to say no.

exactly, shes not your girlfriend, its not even possible for her to be, look at the situation for what it is. I'm just glad shes not bold enough to dupe you into thinking that you two are together. at this point its clear that we aren't going to see the same side of the coin on this one. i hope you aren't too mad at me, i do wish you the best of luck with this though.

no you don't.

Inspired by the life of Brohammas I've decided to do something I've always wanted to do, travel. i think I'm going to take a few trips solo, bring my daughter along for others, and maybe even some friends. my ultimate goal is to see countryside japan, but i think i wont be able to set that into motion until late next year. right now I'm going to start small until I've decided exactly where i want to go, as I'm not really in the position to just drift in the wind, though that is my preferred method of travel, it just isn't going to happen.

when i was in Miami i visited a Spanish castle, these sort of places give me the creeps for some reason but it was still cool to try to wrap my mind around the way of life during those times, and being thankful that i wasn't around then...well at least not that i know of.

Since you are watching i have a special message for you and it is as follows :

I Love You!

I was reading a post on one of my favorite bloggers Ugly Black John and it got me to thinking about the things ive had to accept to keep a smile on my daughters face. i have drawings and crafts made in art class, most of them are horrible but hey these are the things good parents do right? lie to their kids.

lying to your kids is an art, its all about the timing. now for the parents that lie to their kids about silly shit like "you can be a princess surgeon firefighting police olympic gold medalist president" they need to shut up, its confusing my kid, who figured out on her own that-that shit is impossible.

but when they bring home a big pile of WTF its okay to smile and be overly amazed at their crappy creation. its encouragement or something... i dunno how it works but my gut says "you better tell this little girl that this thing you're holding in your hand is beautiful" for example :

in some sort of physics defying way this doohickey is a soap holder, from this i have obtained great info, i know the school of arts is probably not the best bet for her college future. bullet dodged, observant dad of the year award goes to...yep this guy posting the blog...high five.

now, there have been things that she has given me that has helped me in more ways than one, in my perpetual state of damn i fucked that up too, i have my bouts of fatherly doubt and when im at my lowest point i look at this drawing she made for me :


to me it says that shes happy with my performance as a dad, and so long as shes smiling i must be doing at least one thing right. for me doing one thing right means im not doing everything wrong, not exactly the score i want but its better than 0 for 0.

over the years i've been saving all of her drawings and scrawls,

i have no idea what im going to do with them maybe when shes much older thumb through them together to show her humble beginnings and remind her that she sucked at something in life and that's alright with me.